by
Kathy Shaidle
Taki’s
Magazine

I blame the
Burning Schoolhouse.

Canadians are
perversely proud that our
most popular backyard firework is unavailable in the United
States. More
like a science-fair volcano than a proper pyrotechnic, the homely
Burning Schoolhouse merely spews a two-foot flame that lasts half
a minute if
you’re lucky.

But every May
Two-Four for generations, Canadian kids have cherished those
measly 30 sacred seconds, indulging in socially sanctioned fantasies
of third-degree carnage.

You won’t
hear this from Michael Moore, but modern school shootings are a
Canadian invention, too, and I don’t just mean 1989’s
“Montreal
Massacre.” Despite the absence of a so-called “gun
culture,” we spawned the first Adam Lanzas back
in the mid-1970s, getting a twenty-plus-year head start on Columbine.

Don’t
be fooled by those low body counts circa 1975. Look at the number
of wounded, too. In both instances – unlike most American school
shootings in
the 1970s – those Canucks were would-be spree killers,
targeting more than just a hated teacher or classmate.

I’m only
kidding about blaming a tacky once-a-year firecracker display, but
in the wake of Sandy Hook, would-be reformers are deadly serious.
From the gun grabbers to those who want to lock up loonies, they’re
all foolishly looking for a solution through the wrong end of the
telescope.

It’s
obvious that the way to end school shootings is to forget about
the “shootings” part and focus on the first word instead.

We need to
abolish schools.

A survey of
popular culture indicates that attitudes about compulsory public
education have drastically devolved. Children have always hated
school, but the Our Gang kids only “played hooky” from
class, they didn’t shoot it up. The “juvies” in
Blackboard Jungle (1955) just smash up some classical-music
records and manhandle a teacher (who probably liked it).

The sea change
dates back to – you’ll never guess – 1968, when
Lindsay Anderson’s film …if climaxed with an armed
student rebellion at an English public school.

A multitude
of Tom Brown-turns-John Brown fiction pieces followed. “School’s
been blown to pieces,” Alice Cooper growled triumphantly
in 1972. Then came Massacre
at Central High (1976), Rock
‘n’ Roll High School (1979), and the ingenious
satire Heathers
(1988). School in countless American
films is depicted as a
conformist concentration camp with a marching band.

Today, two
multi-million-dollar entertainment franchises, Twilight
and The
Hunger Games, revolve around teens fighting each other
to the death – but God forbid gun-phobic, video-game-banning
suburban moms question their own reading habits, right?

Read
the rest of the article

January
5, 2013

Copyright
© 2013 Taki’s
Magazine

by
Kathy Shaidle
Taki’s
Magazine

I blame the
Burning Schoolhouse.

Canadians are
perversely proud that our
most popular backyard firework is unavailable in the United
States. More
like a science-fair volcano than a proper pyrotechnic, the homely
Burning Schoolhouse merely spews a two-foot flame that lasts half
a minute if
you’re lucky.

But every May
Two-Four for generations, Canadian kids have cherished those
measly 30 sacred seconds, indulging in socially sanctioned fantasies
of third-degree carnage.

You won’t
hear this from Michael Moore, but modern school shootings are a
Canadian invention, too, and I don’t just mean 1989’s
“Montreal
Massacre.” Despite the absence of a so-called “gun
culture,” we spawned the first Adam Lanzas back
in the mid-1970s, getting a twenty-plus-year head start on Columbine.

Don’t
be fooled by those low body counts circa 1975. Look at the number
of wounded, too. In both instances – unlike most American school
shootings in
the 1970s – those Canucks were would-be spree killers,
targeting more than just a hated teacher or classmate.

I’m only
kidding about blaming a tacky once-a-year firecracker display, but
in the wake of Sandy Hook, would-be reformers are deadly serious.
From the gun grabbers to those who want to lock up loonies, they’re
all foolishly looking for a solution through the wrong end of the
telescope.

It’s
obvious that the way to end school shootings is to forget about
the “shootings” part and focus on the first word instead.

We need to
abolish schools.

A survey of
popular culture indicates that attitudes about compulsory public
education have drastically devolved. Children have always hated
school, but the Our Gang kids only “played hooky” from
class, they didn’t shoot it up. The “juvies” in
Blackboard Jungle (1955) just smash up some classical-music
records and manhandle a teacher (who probably liked it).

The sea change
dates back to – you’ll never guess – 1968, when
Lindsay Anderson’s film …if climaxed with an armed
student rebellion at an English public school.

A multitude
of Tom Brown-turns-John Brown fiction pieces followed. “School’s
been blown to pieces,” Alice Cooper growled triumphantly
in 1972. Then came Massacre
at Central High (1976), Rock
‘n’ Roll High School (1979), and the ingenious
satire Heathers
(1988). School in countless American
films is depicted as a
conformist concentration camp with a marching band.

Today, two
multi-million-dollar entertainment franchises, Twilight
and The
Hunger Games, revolve around teens fighting each other
to the death – but God forbid gun-phobic, video-game-banning
suburban moms question their own reading habits, right?

Read
the rest of the article

January
5, 2013

Copyright
© 2013 Taki’s
Magazine